dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize