I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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