Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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