And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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