Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
