Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
