Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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