Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
