Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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