I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
