i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
