Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
