Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
