Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Randomize
