Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
