3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize