Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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