If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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