i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
