if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
