Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize