if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
It's rum buckets o'clock
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
