you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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