can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
