What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize