I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
