it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
