I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
