cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
