So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
