Umm I'm too high to move.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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