There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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