I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize