Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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