is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
