Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I still have a little drunk in my system
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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