i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The cops high fived after they tackled you
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
