The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
