forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
