Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
