Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
im six kinds of drunk right now
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
