In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
