Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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