Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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