I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I am spending my child support on dildos
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
