i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
