i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
