I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize