i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
