Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
