Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
