Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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