As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
