We're like a lot better than the average bears
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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