You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
i need some magic done to my vagina
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
