at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
not ubering you a puppy
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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