I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
