So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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