Sry I called you an 8
I'm eating all of the evidence.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
