Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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