It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
