Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
