He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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