i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
