she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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