drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
