tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize