its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
