the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
