dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Randomize
